Hello my blog :)
sorry Ive been away for a little while... just have been busy lately.. thinking about things, and makin decisions.
As you should know, Easter was about two weeks ago... and for easter, instead of goin to my church... which I must admit I haven't been to in two months, I decided to go to church with one of my coworkers.... and all I have to say is it was AMAZING.. I laughed, I cried, i just felt Gods spirit embrace me completely.. and it was so wonderful.. i haven't felt that way in a long time which made me realize.. and I hate to say it, but my church is boring.... really boring.... does that make me a bad person? am I goin to hell for saying that?.. i feel so bad b/c the people at my church are really nice, but they are just so much more older than me that i can't relate with them at all.... i feel out of place... so last sunday i went to my friends church again.. and again it was great.. The pastor talked about being a friend and what being a true friend really entails. He said being a true friend is not the one who stands strong all the time, but the one who is willing to open themselves up to you during their most vulnerable times so that u can stand strong for them as well.... this is an area i'm lacking in because I dont like showing my weakness to others... i dont like opening myself up... i dont like being vulnerable...I know Ive lost many of chances/opportunities because of it esp in the relationship field, but I just can't make myself do it.... :/.... I'm a very closed/secretive person...I know this... in fact the whole reason I made this blog was to have somewhere I could express myself, to a limit, during those vulnerable times while not having to let anyone I know be aware of my weak condition... no one i know has any idea i have a blog and I planned on keeping it that way..... but I guess if I'm ever going to start opening my self up to others, I first need to open myself up to me... so here goes.........
I put on the facade of being a very happy-go-lucky, mr. positive person in public, but in reality I'm am the complete opposite... i feel so sad and so alone... I have many of ppl I call my friend, and I'm always surrounded by people, but I have never felt so alone in my life as i do right now.. i feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to, and I know it's my fault because Im so afraid of the pain I might incur if I make myself vulnerable to others that I choose shut myself out from the world and just deal with it myself... but I'm tired... so tired... I need you Lord.. more now than ever before.. I can no longer carry this weight alone... help me become a better man, guide me and show me the way, because i truly know that with you all things are possible.
Today I turn over a new leaf :)
one of my favorite gospel songs
the korean version!! it's awesome!!!
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